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THE HEDONIST

Life is too short for boring news

A high-fashion shot of a 72-year-old man in a bespoke charcoal suit standing in a darkened Westminster hallway, illuminated by a single dramatic rim light. Professional 85mm portrait photography, 4K HDR, Vanity Fair style, velvet shadows.
A high-fashion shot of a 72-year-old man in a bespoke charcoal suit standing in a darkened Westminster hallway, illuminated by a single dramatic rim light. Professional 85mm portrait photography, 4K HDR, Vanity Fair style, velvet shadows.
A close-up of a sterling silver martini glass on a mahogany table, a blurred silhouette of a man in a tuxedo in the background. Dramatic studio lighting, shallow depth of field, 50mm prime lens, high-saturation noir aesthetic.

LORD MANDELSON'S PARTY PALS RUIN WESTMINSTER GUEST LIST #

Olly Robbins sat in a wood-paneled Parliament room on Tuesday and spoke the words that every social climber in London fears. The former top civil servant told lawmakers there was ‘constant pressure’ to skip the boring security checks for Peter Mandelson, the 72-year-old Jeffrey Epstein associate who Starmer desperately wanted in Washington. According to Robbins, the Prime Minister’s office had a ‘dismissive attitude’ toward the vetting process, treating the rules like a tacky dress code at a second-rate nightclub. Mandelson…

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The Pyramid of the Sun at Teotihuacan at sunset, illuminated by harsh spotlights and surrounded by soldiers in dark green uniforms. Cinematic wide-angle shot, 4K HDR, high-contrast, professional photography.

BLOOD ON THE PYRAMIDS RUINS WORLD CUP VIBE #

One Canadian woman is dead and thirteen more tourists are nursing wounds after a lone gunman turned the Teotihuacan pyramids into a shooting gallery on Monday. The UNESCO Heritage site, usually the backdrop for influencers and history buffs, remained closed on Tuesday as National Guard troops in combat gear paced…

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AI DOCTORS ARE FREE BUT HUMANITY COSTS EXTRA #

Sam Altman just handed every doctor in America a pink slip wrapped in a free software update. OpenAI released ‘ChatGPT for Clinicians’ on Monday, offering the most advanced diagnostic AI for the low, low price of zero dollars. Per the release, the model bypasses traditional hospital IT systems, allowing practitioners…

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TSA SICK-OUT TO CHOKE MAY DAY FLIGHTS #

Markwayne Mullin, the man at the center of the DHS storm, confirmed on Monday that a 1.6 billion payroll default is coming on May 1st. The ‘State Concierge’—also known as…

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PIRATE CHIC IS BACK OFF THE SOMALI COAST #

The skiffs are back and the ransom notes are flying in the Horn of Africa. The UK Maritime Trade Operations raised the threat level to ‘substantial’ this week after a…

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In Brief #

LILLY'S NEW PILL HITS FIRST HURDLE

Eli Lilly's new weight-loss pill Foundayo is trailing behind Novo Nordisk's Wegovy in initial sales data from IQVIA. Investors are bracing for the April 30th earnings report to see if the oral alternative can actually live up to the sky-high hype.

WHITE-SHOE LAWYERS CAUGHT IN AI LIES

The elite firm Sullivan & Cromwell admitted to submitting AI-generated case fabrications in federal court this week. Opposing counsel caught the hallucinations, proving that even a #2,000-an-hour lawyer can't always vibe-code a victory.

PS PLUS DROPS APRIL GAME LINEUP

Horizon Zero Dawn Remastered and Squirrel with a Gun are leading the April 2026 PS Plus lineup. Members can start downloading eight new titles today, though Premium subscribers lose access as soon as games leave the service.