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THE HEDONIST

Life is too short for boring news

A massive ten-foot golden toilet sitting on a polished white marble throne in the middle of a green park, the Washington Monument blurred in the background, 85mm lens, vivid high-saturation colours, dramatic natural sunlight, 4K HDR professional photography.
A massive ten-foot golden toilet sitting on a polished white marble throne in the middle of a green park, the Washington Monument blurred in the background, 85mm lens, vivid high-saturation colours, dramatic natural sunlight, 4K HDR professional photography.

Articles #

Glamorous Hollywood screenwriters in designer suits holding crystal champagne flutes at a dark red carpet event, flashing camera bulbs in the background, 85mm portrait lens, shallow depth of field, 4K HDR fashion photography.

HOLLYWOOD WRITERS WIN GOLDEN DEAL OVER AI REPLACEMENTS #

The champagne is flowing in the Hollywood Hills tonight. Screenwriters have finally put down their placards and picked up their martinis. After weeks of tense negotiation, the Writers Guild of America has secured a four-year deal that turns Silicon Valley’s greatest threat into Tinseltown’s newest ATM. The robots aren’t taking over the writers' room just yet. Instead, they are going to pay for the privilege of learning from the best. The new agreement is a masterclass in the art of…

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A satirical gold-painted statue of two famous men in suits on the prow of a ship, placed on a public park lawn, dramatic studio lighting with rim light, high-saturation gold and blue colours, 4K professional photography.

GOLD TOILETS AND TITANIC STATUES ROCK THE NATIONAL MALL #

Washington D.C. has always been a city of monuments, but the National Mall just got a makeover that would make a Roman emperor blush. An anonymous artist collective known as 'The Secret Handshake' has turned the nation’s capital into a playground of high-camp protest. The centrepiece? A ten-foot golden toilet…

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NEW BIOCHIP TURNS YOUR BODY INTO A MONTHLY SUBSCRIPTION #

Forget the gym. Forget the diet. The ultimate status symbol of 2026 isn't a Peloton; it's a subcutaneous implant. A multi-institutional team of geniuses has unveiled HOBIT, a 'living pharmacy' that sits under your skin and produces life-saving therapies on demand. It is the ultimate biological velvet rope. Why bother…

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TERROR PLOTS THREATEN CHIC PARIS BANK OF AMERICA OFFICE #

The 8th Arrondissement is losing its vibe. French anti-terrorism prosecutors have foiled a bomb plot targeting the Bank of America office on the rue de la Boétie, and the culprit…

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TRUMP RESCUES PILOT AS DOORS OF HELL OPEN #

President Trump has taken to social media to announce a cinematic victory in the Persian Gulf. A U.S. service member, missing since a fighter jet was downed by Iranian forces,…

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In Brief #

APPLE BANS VIBE CODING APPS IN MAJOR CRACKDOWN

The App Store has purged 'Anything' and other AI tools that allow non-programmers to build software through natural language. Apple claims the apps violate rules against dynamic code execution, stalling the 'vibe coding' revolution that promised to make everyone a tech mogul from their phone.

FIFTEEN THOUSAND DOLLAR VISA BONDS HIT WORLD CUP FANS

Fans from Algeria, Senegal, and Tunisia must now post massive $15,000 bonds to enter the U.S. for the World Cup. The new 'Premium Citizenship' model ensures that only the wealthiest supporters will be in the stands to see their teams compete.

CVS UNVEILS ELITE APOTHECARY PHARMACIES IN CHICAGO

CVS Health is ditching the candy and chips for a new line of pharmacy-only 'apothecary' stores. The first location in Chicago's West End focuses strictly on medications and immunizations, bringing a touch of old-world clinical status back to the neighbourhood.

H-1B VISA CAP REACHED IN RECORD TIME

The lottery for 2027 H-1B visas has already closed after hitting its 85,000-slot cap. It is a devastating blow for tech firms looking to import global talent, proving that the velvet rope at the U.S. border is tighter than ever.